when that Babe came to earth, my soul felt its worth.

i graduated from the University of Montevallo last friday (dec. 16). i did it; it has been proven that it can be done! even though i am finished with college none of it has really sunk into my head, and at the same time, i feel as though i am being propelled into an empty space with no idea of where i have been predestined to land. i am constantly asked about where i am going and what i am doing in january, but the truth is, i cannot answer these questions truthfully. i am still searching my future out and i am still trying to understand why i have been placed here on earth, other than for the glory of God. i suppose i am a wee bit afraid of the unknown, yet let the rose buds fall where they may. i know my Savior has me in His hand.



i have written before that i don't place myself entirely within the sphere of my generation; i feel like a conformist from about three or four decades before my time. in the end, i find myself chasing something that seems so unattainable. "it's hard to feel disqualified for living in a different time, as if the train will only stop for the current paradigm. and i know i shouldn't care if i'm out or if i'm in, cause if i am dismissed, oh You will always take me in." - sara groves





it's Christmas morning. the birth of my Lord is being celebrated through the hearts and voices of the very real Kingdom of God; it is a miracle that God came down and became a man and laid down every fragment of His human soul for the life of an undeserving sinner like me. imagine a new born baby placed in a rugged stable destined to grow up and be scornfully nailed to a splintered cross with piercing thorns in His brow. wisemen brought the Baby gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh; this Child was called the King Who would save the fallen world, but as a man was treated like a thief and a robber. as a sinner saved by grace the only thing i can offer is empty hands and a scarred and bruised heart longing for His fulfillment of Life. i offer Him glory and praise for His unending love, tender mercies, and infinite graces. God's gift to me is the most costly, yet, the very priceless gift i've ever been given. He gave His own Son to die; how can some call eternal life a "free gift?" there is nothing free in this life, and my salvation in Christ was bought with a price; a price i can never repay. "oh, Lord, when You came to the earth my soul felt its worth."



"for he will save his people from their sins." - matt 1:21

He died unflinchingly and lovingly.

This is Holy Week; a week set aside before Easter to acknowledge and meditate on what Jesus did on the cross and why. This week is about remembrance and reverence for my life in Christ and the unconditional grace and love He has given me in full without any merit on my part.



I live because He died unflinchingly and lovingly for me. He never pulled away when I beat and scourged Him. He never refused to carry the weighty cross in my place. He muttered not a word. He never rejected His Father's will to crush His only Son. He never rebuked the crown of thorns I forced on His sacred head. He never forsook me in His grace. He never stopped me from piercing His side. He let me drive the nails into His hands and feet. He loved me even when I laughed in His stricken and smitten face. He forgave me for the insults I shouted at Him. He looked beyond my faults, and saw that I knew not what I was doing. He died for me because He was my only hope for my wretched soul. My Lord never said a mumbling word, except "it is finished."




"Who has believed our message? And to whom as the arm of the LORD been revealed? He grew up before him like a young plant, and like a root out of dry ground; he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that is before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people? And they made his grave with the wicked and with a rich man in his death, although he had done no violence and there was no deceit in his mouth. Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him; he has put him to grief; when he makes an offering for sin, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand." - Isaiah 53:1-10

i find His glory even within the walls of darkness.

Many times I write my titles before I write anything else. Somehow tonight I cannot think of a single title alone that describes what I feel right now and what I am longing to express. My heart is so full of the Lord's grace and my mind is filled with thoughts buzzing to and fro, and never exactly landing anywhere.



It is interesting. I started this blog two years ago with the intent of solely writing about my life--my true and real spiritual life. Then some time after I started this blog, I traversed to other topics which really had nothing to do with my life, and had absolutely nothing to do with my faith. Now these last few months, I have returned to my original intention.



I don't really know when I first began writing, writing that raw and true kind of writing. For a couple of years, I have contemplated why I write anything. I am that kind of person and writer who starts out with good intentions of writing a new post on this blog, and then a few lines down, decides that I don't want to be that honest with the world, or don't like anything I've written. With my being an English major, anybody would more than likely assume that I write with no strings attached, and never find fault in my writing. The truth is, I have a hard time pulling the veil away from my paper and pen, and letting in the world to see the small and weak sketchings of my heart that I've struggled to place on the paper. I find fault in my writing everyday. I never feel as though that anything I write is exactly what I wanted to say. I don't know if what I write is right, wrong, or inaccurate. I don't know if it makes a bit of difference on anyone besides myself, but that's ok. Writing, for me, is not about pleasing the world, but about pleasing myself and more importantly, the Lord.



I wish there was something I could truly and honestly say that would immediately change the hearts of those who need the grace of God. One of the toughest places to be as a believer is a classroom. When I'm there, it is like being between a rock and hard place. Sitting there behind those four walls, I look around and wonder how many know the real God that we're reading about in our literature books, and that He is not just a legacy or an old wise-tale. I find it sad to read about the Lord of my life in a poem or prose, and have a lengthy discussion on it in class, and see how blinded the eyes of some of the people are by the opinions they express. All I can think is, His glory will shine through it all, and maybe by His glory their hearts will be transformed. I pity those who cannot see beyond the veil of darkness and know not Who God truly is and how much life, joy, and grace He offers to His children. When I look into their eyes and empty hearts, I find humility in my own heart and thank the Lord that I know Him. This has been so hard for me lately. I only hope that their hearts will be opened wide open by the words that proceed from my mouth. It is difficult to place myself in their shoes and try to think, see, and feel the way they do about God and Christianity. It is a comfort to read poetry for a class that clearly expresses the Truth of God and His sacrifice, and declares that all things are for His glory, knowing that there are some who need the love of God in their lives. At the end of things, I find His glory even within the walls of darkness.

Brother, he’s suffered like a tree taken down
Wept as he witnessed his dreams carved out
And how can a man just keep walking around
With his heart full of holes

But ooh,
His bow is on the strings
And the tune resonates in the open space
To show us how emptiness sings:

Glory to God, Glory to God!
In fullness of wisdom,
He writes my story into his song,
My life for the glory of God.
Hmm, hmmm

Sister carries her loneliness
In a hidden hollow inside her chest
And sometimes all that she wants is an end
To the long, long night

But ooh,
Her bow is on the strings,
And the tune resonates in the open space
To show us how emptiness sings:

Glory to God, Glory to God!
In fullness of wisdom,
He writes my story into his song,
My life for the glory of God.
Hmm, hmmm

I haven’t been asked yet to walk the hard roads
Still there’s a sense of deep loss in my soul
In the middle of a party, I’ll just want to go
Home.

But ooh,
My bow is on the strings,
I’m beginning to learn where to find the words
To the song that emptiness sings
Ooh, bow is on the strings:

Glory to God! Glory to God!
This is how emptiness sings, oh,
This is how emptiness sings
Hmmm, hmmm

- Christa Wells



"Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness! Why should the nations say, 'Where is their God?' Our God is in the heavens; he does all the he pleases." - Psalm 115:1-3

His grace is my survival.

there is nothing I do that is good in His sight.
all I ever do is run from His glorious light.
every effort I make fails miserably in my face.
the Lord needs not my help; it's only His grace.



Spring break is practically at a close, and how that nearly depresses me. I'm dreading the return to school, and all the shots it throws at me when I'm there. Somehow I'll get by in the these last 6-7 weeks remaining. His grace will be my survival. I am just so ready for this semester to end, so I can move on to summer classes and know that I'll only be 12 hours away from finishing school forever. I'm ready to step upon that platform and receive my bachelor or arts with pride, honor, and a smile, knowing that I finished well.



My only comfort lately is knowing that faith outlives and outshines doubt and His grace and glory are all I need to know and understand. I'm not promised all things perfect. I'm not promised prosperity, but only His glory. I don't deserve His grace and good, but at the end of the day, I see grace and goodness in all things, and how it has been bestowed on me without end and measure.


"I do not nullify the grace of God, for if justification were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose." - Galatians 2:21

it's always His glory. nothing less. nothing more.

As believers of our Jesus Christ, we tend to have the mindset that as God's children nothing will ever be unsettled in our lives and we'll never face trouble with the greatest enemy. How wrong that mindset completely is. As believers we should have the mindset that trouble will and does come our way, and that the greatest enemy is always lurking at our shoulder waiting to get his foot in our door.

As Christians, our lives are even tougher than an unbeliever's. Why? It's because the Lord abides in us and we must be accountable to Him as He is accountable to us. We have to rely on Him and not ourselves. And now we face an ongoing battle everyday with "self" and "flesh" and with the one enemy who wants nothing more than to destroy our lives. When we become children of God, Christ doesn't just redeem us and pour His grace on us, He abides in us like a lodger takes up residence in a house, and every time we do something wrong, that is harming Christ's residence. We defile His lodging. As His children, we should be blameless, holy, and righteous, and when we sin, we are trashing ourselves. I think of the passage in Matthew 21:13 "'It is written, My house shall be called a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves.'" We take up residence in His house, and cheapen it when we stray from the truth and live for self, which is so far from what a Christian is. Our walk with God is not an easy walk, but when you're walking with God, it is defeat on yourself and the enemy.

Christians have a hard time explaining pain. Sadness. Loss. Hardship. We tend to view it with hatred and rebuke. We look at Christ and feel sorry for ourselves as though He deserves us something. But the truth is, we deserve death. Hell. We should be grateful and humble to see that it is only by His supreme grace that we're alive and are His children. I don't think many Christians understand pain. In fact, it looks so unhappy, yet there is a happy in it. It's God's happy. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds." - James 1:2 He isn't hurting us for the sake of hurting us, He's molding us for His good.Hebrews 12:10-11: "but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Unbelievers have the wrath of God on them, but believers have the mighty hands of God on them. He never promised us it would be easy, He just promised that He's be there. Hebrews 12:5-6 says,"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." He'll never stop molding us and using us. My opinion, there is different kinds of happy in every place our lives. It may feel like the worst thing to ever enter our lives, but there is a happy somewhere in it. The ugly always has a smiling face behind it. We tend to sit back and question God "Why, Lord?" But the answer is and always will be, it's all for His glory. Everything God does in our lives is not for our good solely, but for His glory alone. This world and our lives are not about us; it's about Him and His amazing glory and grace. The painful is all about His glory, our character and spiritual well-being, and His grace. This may seem unkind or like a ridiculous thought to hold onto, but there is happy in everything because nothing that enters our lives is by accident. It's His will and more importantly, His glory. "In all our affliction, I am overflowing with joy." - 2 Corinthians 7:4

goodwill toward men...

well, i've been writing this same post since...well, about a week or so ago. and i've had to change the tenses three times. blogging...oh, blogging. why do i do this to myself? i suppose out of some mere and bizarre enjoyment.



during the christmas season, i wanted to embrace the days differently than i ever have. i was tired of the cliche. i wanted to break away from the mold that everyone around me has seemed to fill. give me something new. something real and tangible. all i wanted to see is the beauty and truth of the story in every crevice and corner, knowing it is the only thing that matters in the midst of this chaos we create for ourselves. at that time of the year, we look and ask for peace, yet, all along, peace is at our disposal and our reach. it is here all year. peace isn't something that comes once a year, and then is tossed aside once that new year enters our lives. with His peace, we face every day of our lives. i face mine. He is our peace. He is all the peace i need. that baby in the manger came not to give peace, but that He might be our peace. "peace on earth, goodwill toward men, from all heaven's gracious King..."



a christmas has come and gone, and all that is left is a memory of an assuming glorious day, an echo of angels' voices lowering their song to the king, and a hope of Who was born on such a peaceful day. what do i have to offer Him? i come with empty hands and a heavy heart filled with hope, and offer myself. i am not good, noble, or holy, but i am His, and He takes me as i am.

well, 2011...here it is. all new and ready for me to get my hands on! with every new year, comes new possibilities. i'm ready, 2011!

in one autumnal face...

my beloved season has almost arrived at its prime. autumn. the things i feel and see when i think on such a season. the loveliest colors which blend in and out through the foliage of the slowly decaying trees, the copper glow of candles in jack-Os, the beaming beauty of the late afternoon sunset, the shivers up my spine from the chill in the air, the wind that blows the strands of my hair, and the simple joy of the crunch and frost underfoot upon the dead leaves. those are some of the simplest and the loveliest beauties of autumn. what would i do without this season? i do not feel as though i am that kind of person who only delights in autumn because of any reason, but because it is a part of me. it is i in season form. perhaps because i was born into autumn. there is no such delight i feel as i feel during autumn. the weather makes my heart go pitter-patter. there is nothing so beautiful as i have seen in one autumnal face.



well, much has happened since my last post. i've seen my sweet Lord revive my heart from pain and have seen the answer to prayer. He is good in all things. He is very good! i'm still trying to find my way through this tunnel, but i know all through the way He is holding my hand and leading me all the way until i reach that light at the end. in all things, He is good and He fills my heart with all kinds of happy. whether it is joyous, painful, or difficult, is it happy. He is that happy.



these last few weeks i've become so moved with missions, helping the hurting, and spreading the love of our Lord abroad. i have a passion and a burden within my heart to do something for my God but i don't know what yet. i have a growing interest in helping and promoting International Justice Mission (IJM). i would love for my school campus to begin a chapter for IJM. human trafficking is such a terrible thing and should be brought into awareness. it is one of the most horrifying crimes occurring in the world. i cannot even begin to imagine the horror, the pain, the emptiness, and the suffering the women and young girls are coping with.
besides IJM, my heart is burdened for the people in Israel, Africa, and most anywhere. but i am also concerned for the souls of those around me, whether it is a student i come in contact with, a complete stranger, or a homeless person. my heart should be burdened not only outside the united states or my state, but also for those in my own backyard. we, as believers, are so apt to serve in other countries, but where is our heart for the people we live around? the love of Christ should never ignore our own neighbors and city. Jesus did not ask for us to carry His love and message far, but everywhere!

last weekend i was honored to meet my favorite recording artist; the lovely voice of the singer who warms my heart and fills it with inspiration, sara groves. what a lovely and sweet lady she is!
sara's music has ministered to my life in so many amazing and inspirational ways. her talent is unmatched and rare, as is her beautiful, rich voice. she fills her music with down-to-earth lyrics, and demonstrates her faith in Christ in every one of her songs. i discover something new and real every time i listen to her albums (which is practically nonstop all day, every day). it was such a joyous and happy moment to meet sara after seeing her in concert a few times. she was such a dear to sign all of my albums, and wrote such sweet things on them too. she is a beautiful person, and has a beautiful heart for God and His growing kingdom. i feel like kid in a candy store knowing and listening to sara's music. i am such a big and proud fan, and cannot imagine my life without the real and true talent of the most beautiful, inspirational, and unique artist i have ever heard, seen, and met. her style is genreless.

let His glory be done.

this semester i was introduced to the poetry and essays of Anne Bradstreet. how moving her work is, and how encouraging it has been to me at this time. i so need encouragement, and so need His glory to be done. and shown.

"For Deliverance from a Fever"

when sorrows had begirt me round,
and pains within and out,
when in my flesh no part was found,
then didst Thou rid me out.
my burning flesh in sweat did boil,
my aching head did break,
from side to side for ease i toil,
so faint i could not speak.
beclouded was my soul with fear
of Thy displeasure sore,
nor could i read my evidence
which oft i read before.
"hide not Thy face from!" i cried,
"from burnings keep my soul.
Thou know'st my heart, and hast me tried;
i on Thy mercies roll."
"O heal my soul," Thou know'st i said,
"though flesh consume to nought,
what though in dust it shall be laid,
to glory't shall be brought."
Thou heard'st, Thy rod Thou didst remove
and spared my body frail,
Thou show'st to me Thy tender love,
my heart no more might quail.
O, praises to my mighty God,
praise to my Lord, i say,
Who hath redeemed my soul from pit,
praises to Him for aye.

In Memory of my Dear Grandchild Anne Bradstreet, Who Deceased June 20, 1669, Being Three Years and Seven Months Old

with troubled heart and trembling hand i write,
the heavens have changed to sorrow my delight.
how oft with disappointment have i met,
when i on fading things my hopes have set.
experience might 'fore this have made me wise,
to value things according to their price.
was ever stable joy yet found below?
or perfect bliss without mixture of woe?
i knew she was but as a withering flower,
that's here today, perhaps, gone in an hour;
like as a bubble, or the brittle glass,
or like a shadow turning as it was.
more fool then i to look on that was lent
as if mine own, when thus impermanent.
farewell dear child, thou ne'er shall come to me,
but yet a while, and i shall go to thee;
meantime my throbbing heart's cheered up with this:
Thou with thy Savior art in endless bliss.